The World Turned Upside Down.

Covid: Who Knew?

I didn't see this coming a year ago. I was completely blindsided by it. I'm sure many artists were. My band, Fore String, played a show at a coffee house on Friday, March 13. By that Sunday night all the public things were canceled. Including everything. And the award ceremony I was planning to meet a musician friend at. It was all over. And then, one by one my gigs started getting canceled. Including my regular monthly PAID gig at a locally owned restaurant. I couldn't go back to my jobs. Luckily, one of my jobs allowed me to work from home. Which was probably the best thing about Covid, because the knee injury I had received a couple months before (due to negligence of my boss to care about workplace safety--I wasn't provided the equipment I needed to do my duties without injury) wasn't healing as a result of having to continue my work duties. My knee kept getting worse and worse. So, Covid at least kept me employed and allowed my knee time to heal (I could sit down all day like I needed to at home)! So, in a way, the Stay At Home order saved my life. I'm grateful for it!

It also killed my budding music career. It mashed it all to pieces, never to be repaired. So it seems... I should be severely depressed over here by myself, but I'm not. I have gone in and out of being severely depressed over the past year. But at the present moment I feel fine. For reals. I just came to realize that I need music more than it needs me. And I'm willing to take risks now to get it. I have always been a bit of an oxymoron. I'm so extremely shy I could crawl into the wallpaper... but I am also so extremely unreserved I can make the whole room laugh. I'm yin and yang. I'm a chameleon. I don't even know what provokes one or the other to come out and play. But it's true. I can carry secrets as well as I can scream it all from the rooftops. And this Covid hasn't changed that about me. Though, I haven't spent this much time in one mode as I seem to be this time around. I'm seemingly stuck in my shy self. I'm afraid of everything, and timid as hell. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I sure as hell don't want anyone trying to get to know me. So if I'm not talking to you right now, it's not you. I think I don't have the energy to hold a conversation like that. I keep in close touch with about 2 or 3 people and everyone else rarely hears from me. It's probably good that I live with my brother so people know I'm not alone completely. I have cats, so I'm really never alone completely. 

Anyway... I feel rather hermit like, but I don't feel bad. My live shows were taken away (for now) but won't be for forever! I'll get that back some day. And now it's time to pivot. There's a whole lot more people on the internet than there are in my town! It may be hard to break through the algorithm and get heard, but this is definitely the time to make some noise! I'm a very DIY person, and I just picked up a music production course and Logic. I'm very excited to learn how to topline and also start producing my own songs. Hopefully my releases will multiply! I haven't released a new song since last January, and it's getting old! So... so much to do! I had to start working part time, because I needed much more time than I've had. I needed serious commitment to this career. So I really need to dedicate myself to it. Like in the book "The War of Art," by Steven Pressfield, to combat resistance, you need to be a professional. I am going to turn what's always been a hobby (singing) into a career by becoming professional about it. That scares the shit out of me, but I think as long as I do it my way, and in a manner that makes my happy, I don't really have anything to fear other than not doing it. Failure is to not put my music into the world at all. Failure is not trying. Not doing. Not singing.

And just yesterday, I felt inspired to make a film. I don't know how or why... I have very little experience. I just don't know if I can make it happen. I need to write an amazing script first. But I still think it would be amazing to make a short film. With all my theater/performing/artist friends who I've known for so long and haven't made anything with for a long long time. IDK. I'm new at this... give me some time to sort it out...